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1997 Fools: Libertarian Party demands: Declare war on teenage tanning!
Subject: LP RELEASE: "Teenage Tanning" From: LIB_NW <email@example.com> Date: 1997/04/05 Message-Id: <3346CC59.6BCF@dmi.net> Newsgroups: alt.politics.libertarian,talk.politics.libertarian,alt.society.civil-liberty,alt.society.civil-liberties ----------------------------------------- NEWS FROM THE LIBERTARIAN PARTY 2600 Virginia Avenue, NW, Suite 100 Washington DC 20037 ----------------------------------------- For release: April 1, 1997 ----------------------------------------- For additional information: George Getz, Deputy Director of Communications Phone: (202) 333-0008 Ext. 222 E-Mail: 76214.3676@CompuServe.com ----------------------------------------- Libertarian Party demands: Declare war on teenage tanning! WASHINGTON, DC -- Thousands of American teenagers are tanning themselves into an early grave -- while the government stands idly by, the Libertarian Party charged today. "It's time to declare war on the Coppertone Girl!" demanded party spokesman Bill Winter. "Instead of wasting time on teenage smoking, politicians should focus on a real health crisis -- teenage tanning." Recent news reports revealed that sales of low-SPF suntan products -- with little or no protection against the ultraviolet light that triggers tanning -- are soaring among young people. For example, the sales of low-SPF Panama Jack products surged by 40% in 1996, and no-SPF Banana Boat brand sales grew by 24%. As a result, sunburn-related injuries jumped by 20% in some popular Spring Break locations like Panama City, Florida, as teenagers flaunt their bronze -- or bright pink -- rebellion against years of just-say-no-to-tanning medical advice. And because of the link between sun exposure and skin cancer, dark tans today will result in an explosion of melanoma in 20 or 30 years. "Why hasn't Congress held hearings about how the $400-million tanning products industry exploits young people?" asked Winter. "And why hasn't the FDA regulated these low-SPF suntan products as dangerous sunshine delivery systems?" But the news gets worse. Many teenagers are bypassing suntan lotion completely and slathering themselves with no-protection baby oil. "Baby oil is the gateway drug to no-SPF tanning products," accused Winter. "And once kids are hooked, suntan industry moguls lure them with enticingly named no-SPF products like Ultra Sun, Sizzle, and Equatorial Thrust. We must stop these death merchants before they hook another generation on dark, sexy tans!" But tanning isn't the only teenage health epidemic ignored by politicians, complained Winter. For example: * The number of overweight teenagers (12-17) has doubled since 1980, from 6% to 12%. This trend puts millions of young people at future risk from strokes, diabetes, high blood pressure, and heart attacks. "It's time to mandate Surgeon General warnings on Big Macs and fried chicken," suggested Winter helpfully. "Or maybe we could send obese teenagers to government exercise camps." * More teenagers are becoming "addicted" to the Internet. The American Psychological Association's Council on Addiction says excessive time in cyberspace is a growing "disorder," especially among college students. McLean Hospital near Harvard University has even opened a computer addiction clinic. "Al Gore's beloved information superhighway is a one-way road to addiction," charged Winter. "What's next: Will the CIA start selling unlimited Internet access to teenagers to raise money for Nicaraguan rebels?" All these trends -- too much tanning, eating, and cybersurfing -- are clear opportunities for new government programs, said Winter. "If something isn't done soon, we'll end up with a nation of well-tanned, fat teenagers hooked on the Internet!" he ranted apocalyptically. "Can't politicians do something to save our kids?" Wait a second -- has the Libertarian Party really abandoned its longtime opposition to government intervention? Do Libertarians really want a government War On Tanning & Eating & Cyberspace? "Of course not," said Winter. "But April Fools Day seemed like a good time to point out how easy it is to cobble together a few statistics and some wild rhetoric, and manufacture a phony crisis that 'requires' a new government War on Something, especially when it involves kids. "But we, the American public, are the real April Fools if we don't declare a War on Government Wars -- and demand an end to the crisis-of-the-week that politicians manufacture to rob us of our liberty," he said. -- The Libertarian Party http://www.lp.org/ 2600 Virginia Ave. NW, Suite 100 voice: 202-333-0008 Washington DC 20037 fax: 202-333-0072 For subscription changes, please mail to <firstname.lastname@example.org> with the word "subscribe" or "unsubscribe" in the subject line -- or use the WWW form. -- ===================================================================== LIBERTY NORTHWEST CONFERENCE AND DISCUSSION GROUP "The only Libertarian-oriented political discussion group on the Fidonet Z1 Backbone"... 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