1997 Fools: Internet Television Network Announced
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From: robbie@tomservo.mindspring.com (Robbie Honerkamp)
Newsgroups: news.admin.net-abuse.misc,alt.internet.media-coverage,misc.news.internet.discuss
Subject: Internet Television Network Announced
Date: 1 Apr 1997 10:36:50 GMT
Organization: Society for the Prevention of Technical Harassment
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ATLANTA, GA, 1 April 1997

        Turner Entertainment Group expanded it's cable channel offerings
today with the announcment of the Internet Television Network. ITN will
offer programming aimed at heavy Internet users. Initial programming
for the channel will consist of original shows based on famous net.happenings
and net.personalities. 

        ITN chairman Fred Beamer said that traditional television
programming hasn't reached the typical Internet user. "These people come
from a different culture. According to Neilson Rating results, shows that 
do well with the general populace earn abyssmal ratings with groups who
have more than five computers in the household, Beamer said. "We consider
these groups to be the 'great unreached'".

        ITN has already signed deals with several major cable companies,
including Cox and MediaOne. Operation is set to begin on 31 April 1997.

        Reaction from other media giants was swift. Rupert Murdoch issued
an immediate statement claiming bias in ITVs initial programming. "The
programs offered seem to ridicule those who hold opinions that aren't
popular, technically correct, or coherent. I am planning a competing
network that will allow True Free Broadcasting. The Freedom Network will
debut sometime before the end of time. It will offer free and equal access
to all. Unlike other networks, who are controlled by the Broadcasting Cabal,
our network will NEVER cancel television shows.
        Murdoch was then returned to his padded room. NBC, CBS, and ABC 
did not return repeated calls for comment.

        ITV's initial lineup will include the following shows:

-"Eh, Hoser??", Tuesdays, 8pm
        Bob Allisat discusses how much better Canada is than the
        USA. Special guests: Bob and Doug Mackenzie. Programming note:
        This discussion will be simulcast on all other channels
        as well.

-"Boiled Nuts", Tuesdays, 8:05pm
        What happens when four of the wackiest net.kooks move in
        together? Starring Steve Boursy, Grubor, Jai, and
        "Doctor" Vulis. Tonight's eposode: New neighbor Serdar
        Argic believes Grubor is an Armenian butcher when he's 
        seen eating a turkey sandwich. Hilarity ensues.

-"How To Make A Million, Jillion, Gazillion Bucks", Tuesdays, 9pm
        Lawrence Canter moves to a beautiful new apartment in
        Toronto, but quickly runs afoul of his new landlord, 
        Chris Lewis.

-"a.out", Wednesdays, 8pm
        Three developers from the Linux Kernel Dev. list move in
        together. Tonight, the three get into a tussle over Java
        binary support.

-"diskcopy a: a:", Wednesdays, 9pm
        C@N @ K-R@D 3133T D00D M@K3 1T 1N TH3 F@$T P@C3D W0R1D
        0F S0FTW@R3 D3V310PM3NT? G00D 013 B1FF ST@R$ A$ @N 3l33T
        W@R3Z D00D WH0 G3TZ H1R3D BY M1CR0$0FT.

-"Nightly News", Weekdays, 6pm
        With host Kibo.

-"Dave Hayes Psychic Newsreader Network", infomercial

-"Technology Today", Saturday, 8pm
        Tonight: Jim Fleming explains how IPv8/EDNS will overshadow
        IPv6, and prevent the Imminent Death Of The Net. In a special
        cooking segment, Bob Metcalfe demonstrates his delicious recipe
        for crow.

-"The History Of The Internet", Saturday, 9pm
        Tonight: A profile of Bill Gates and how he created the Internet
        in his spare time after inventing the Graphical User Interface.

-"Spanking For Dollars" Saturday, 10pm
        Your Host: Martin Hannigan. Tonight's guests are John Grubor
        and Steven Boursy.