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1996 Fools: Fwd: Limit TV Viewing
From: GAKNUTSON@delphi.com Date: Sun, 31 Mar 1996 21:16:16 -0500 (EST) Subject: Fwd: Limit TV Viewing To: firstname.lastname@example.org X-VMS-To: INTERNET"email@example.com" Sender: firstname.lastname@example.org Reply-To: GAKNUTSON@delphi.com Get Your Nose Out of the TV! Summarized from: Health News, April 1996, Vol 6(4), p14 Researchers at the University of Okoboji in Okoboji, Iowa, have come up with some unusual findings on television viewing and growth of nasal cartilage. Director of the University's department of social physiognomy Dr. Will Bennett commented, "Initially there were some anecdotal cases referred to us by plastic surgeons, primarily in California, and we decided to follow- up." Measurements of nose sizes were taken and then the volunteers were divided into three groups. The first group watched no TV for a month, the second watched the average amount for an American adult (five hours a day), and the third group watched twice what the average did. The results were startling. Those who did not watch TV had no growth of the nose. The normal viewers had an average growth of 1.5 millimeters, and the extended viewers had growth of 4 mm, about 1/4 inch! Dr. Bennett offered an explanation, "It seems that extended viewing at a medium distance fixed point, like that involved in watching television, causes the visual system to need a near point reference. Signals are sent to the brain which stimulates the cartilage of the proboscis to grow. The cartilage then grows till the end of the nose is clearly within the visual field, near point vision, of the eyes." Dr. Bennett continued, "There is no reason to fear your nose will grow to Pinnochio proportions. As soon as the near point becomes visible to the eye(s), the nose will stop growing. How much depends on how far apart your eyes are and how acute your near point vision is." Dr. Bennett denied rumors that while this research was completed April 1st last year it was shelved while the University and the department lobbied the major television networks for money to keep the study quiet. Pressed about the extortion allegations, Dr Bennett sarcastically commented, "With most Americans noses growing, it will be as difficult for us to keep our noses out of other peoples business as it always has been for you in the press." Major pharmaceutical companies getting wind of this study have rushed to market new drugs, with Eli Lilly beating all to the punch with "Nosetrad", which slows cartilage growth. Not to be outdone, some chiropractors and alternative healers have developed the "Endo-Nasal" technique to assure that if the nose is going to grow, it will grow straight. Lawyers for the networks had no comment regarding rumors of a class action lawsuit and a lucrative agreement with cosmetic surgeons to provide nasal bob-jobs at reduced rates.