ß 1994 Fools: Thermonics and Gigatechnology at MIZAR

Newsgroups: sci.cryonics
Subject: Thermonics and Gigatechnology at MIZAR

As of April 1st, MIZAR is open for business.  We offer an alternative
to low-temperature preservation for deanimated patients.  Taking a
lesson from the food-service business, there is *another* way to use
temperature to prevent decomposition.

We offer *thermonics*:  Patient storage at 150 to 200 degrees
Fahrenheit.  This has several advantages:

* No danger of ice formation.

* No risk of fracturing.

* No liquid nitrogen expense or dangers.

As an experiment, we took a dog and put it in a 150 degree F room.
The dog not only survived in perfect health, it had never before run
as fast as when it was briefly in that room!

We currently use electric blankets and heat lamps, but plan to soon
open a storage facility in the Sahara desert, where noon-time summer
temperatures have reached nearly 140 F.  Please note that the Sahara
is close to Egypt, where long-term patient storage got its start more
than 3000 years ago.  Unfortunately, the Egyptians discarded their
patients' brains before interring them in their long-term storage
facilities, so we don't anticipate being able to reanimate any of
their patients in the near future.

Reanimation will certainly require development of a mature
gigatechnology.  As Derek Exeler explains in his _Engines of
Confusion_, this will involve making a machine as big as the galaxy,
capable of simultaneously reversing the speed and momentum of every
sub-atomic particle and ray of light in the Milky Way.  This will
eventually result (after as many years as they had been preserved)
in our patients returning to an active life.  Just as active as their
life prior to their deanimation.  In fact, *totally identical* to
their pre-thermonics life, only in reverse.

We're researching four more technologies for patient storage:

Salonics:  Inspired by the salting of food for preservation.  This
technique is most useful for people who ate lots of fast food, potato
chips, pretzels, soy sauce, etc, and who eventually deanimated due to
high blood pressure.

Vinonics:  Inspired by pickling of food, and by the preservation of
brains in jars from the last century.  This technique is most useful
for long-term alcoholics.  While it's an excellent way to store brains,
it may not be appropriate for whole-body preservation, since we've had
no luck preserving livers this way.  This method works best one day at
a time.

Glyconics:  Inspired by preservation of highly-sugared foods, such as
jellies and jams.  Most suitable for diabetics.  Brains are preserved
well, but teeth tend to deteriorate badly.

Neverneveronics:  Inspired by _Peter Pan_ (the movie, not the peanut
butter), this technique preserves patients by having them never grow
old and deanimate in the first place.  Side effects include not being
allowed to stay up past 10 pm, being forbidden to see interesting
movies without accompanying adult, and having to repeat the 4th grade
century after century.