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1994 Fools: Invective Cycling
Newsgroups: dc.biking Subject: _Invective Cycling_ Now available, _Invective Cycling_: A book, a video, and a training course. The author has extensive experience with serious bicycle accidents. He has commuted half-way to work several times, and has *decades* of experience in hospitals and courtrooms. Invective Cycling is based on twelve simple but important principles: 1) It's better to ride on the road than on a bike trail or sidewalk. It's even better if it's a really major road. Best of all is an interstate highway. 2) Don't hug the far right lane. This only encourages drivers to treat cyclists as inferior. Ride as far left as you can. In fact, ride in the oncoming lane. This way you can see the traffic rather than having it sneak up on you. If there's more than one oncoming lane (e.g. on an interstate highway) ride in the highest speed lane, so dangerous traffic will get past you more quickly. 3) Weave back and forth, and vary your speed as much as possible. As every hunter knows, it's harder to hit a target that moves erratically. For the same reason, always wear dark clothes at night, and camoflage clothes in the day, and don't use lights or reflectors. If drivers see you, they'll only get annoyed. 4) Brakes serve no purpose except to slow you down. Since you want to get to your destination as quickly as possible to avoid additional dangerous time on the roads, get rid of them. 5) Don't wear a helmet. It will only get smashed. If you *do* wear a helmet, try to land so that your head takes most of the impact, leaving the expensive helmet undamaged. The money saved can be used for medical bills, legal defense, and buying replacement bicycles. (Also, write to your congressman demanding less shoddy helmets. Styrofoam gets crushed too easily. Tell him to introduce a bill to require all bike helmets to be steel or titanium.) 6) Don't signal turns. Keep your hands on the handlebars at all times. If you remove either hand from the handlebars for even an instant, you will immediately crash. 7) Always run through red lights and stop at green lights. When the light is red, there's no danger of being hit from in front or behind, since traffic in your direction is stopped. 8) Icy roads are especially dangerous. So go as quickly as you can when there's snow and ice, so you'll be out of it sooner. Especially when turning, since corners are especially dangerous so you want to spend even less time there. Use narrow tires so you'll encounter a smaller total area of snow and ice. 9) Always dress very warmly. Especially in the summer. Dressing warmly means you'll sweat more, which makes you weigh less, which makes it easier to get up hills. 10) Use your highest gear to climb hills. That way you won't have to turn the pedals as many times. 11) Use your lowest gear to coast down hills, since it's easier to turn. 12) Drink lots of beer while cycling. It keeps you warm in the winter, cool in the summer, and reduces fear of traffic. It can also make you lose weight in a matter of minutes -- from both ends! (Be sure to carry a barf bag.) It also helps numb the pain of accidents. Be sure to order *now*, while the author is still around!