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1994 Fools: Stop the Presses! Latest TSR News
Article: 24512 of rec.games.frp.misc Path: oracle!gatekeeper.us.oracle.com!sgiblab!swrinde!cs.utexas.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!agate!msuinfo!netnews.upenn.edu!MKT41.WHARTON.UPENN.EDU!zul From: email@example.com (John Pajamas) Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.misc Subject: Stop the Presses! Latest TSR News Date: Fri, 1 Apr 1994 09:14:36 Organization: UPENN RULES! Lines: 43 Message-ID: <zul.11.2D9C2C48@foo.bar.upenn.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: mkt41.wharton.upenn.edu Anybody see this over on clarinet? Scary! FALWELL MINISTRIES TAKES OVER TSR, INC by Claude O. D'Ertonbuttocques 4/1/94 LYNCHBURG, VA (AP) Jerry Falwell's Falwell Ministries announced today that it had purchased 51% of the voting stock of TSR, Inc., the Wisconsin based publisher of the Dungeons and Dragons game, after a lengthy and secretive process of negotiations begun at least five years ago. According to a source near the top of TSR, the negotiations began after Lorraine Wilson, the president of TSR, first attended her local Baptist church. 'She came back saying, "Praise the Lord, I have been saved from the pit of hell,"' and then began the process of reworking the Dungeons and Dragons game to remove any and all references to Devils or Demons. Since that time TSR has published a new edition of Dungeons and Dragons with no devils or demons in it, and has also expanded into other markets, with an emphasis on board-games and paperback original novels. According to this same source, Ms. Wilson has also had several meetings since then with famed church-victim Jessica Hahn and John Kruk, star first-baseman of the Philadelphia Phillies and testicular-cancer victim. `She's trying to understand victims,' the source said. `She wants to make Dungeons and Dragons into a kinder and gentler game thing.' Reverend Falwell made a short announcement at a press conference this morning at which he said "Dungeons and Dragons will soon bring traditional all-american Christian morality back into the hearts of those who have left the fold. The New Dungeons and Dragons will reward players for possessing family values instead of for robbing and murdering peaceful gas-station attendants, as they did formerly." Reverend Falwell then left for Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, in the company of Lorraine Wilson, shouting "I feel good!" and explaining, "Time to ditch my old lady and get me a brand new bag." Jerry Falwell's Falwell Ministries is the successor to the Moral Majority, which tried to influence national policy by serving as a voluntary moral barometer for the United States during the terms of Ronald Reagan's presidency. - -- Zul the Destroyer <firstname.lastname@example.org> Two great tastes that go great together, hummous and bacon!