1994 Fools: Federal Computer Communications Commission
From kfl@access.digex.net Fri Apr  1 12:23:37 EST 1994
Article: 29309 of comp.org.eff.talk
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From: kfl@access.digex.net (Keith F. Lynch)
Newsgroups: alt.news-media,comp.org.eff.talk
Subject: April 1 official press release
Date: 1 Apr 1994 00:31:20 -0500
Organization: Express Access Public Access UNIX, Greenbelt, Maryland USA
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Official Press Release (official):

April 1, Washington DC:  The administration today inaugurates a
new cabinet level department.  The Federal Computer Communications
Commission.  Inspired by the widespread outrage over the travesty
of justice in the Steve Jackson Games case, where a known computer
criminal got off on a technicality (i.e. we hadn't yet gotten around
to formalizing and writing down the laws he flagrantly broke with
impunity), the FCCC will have licensing authority over all interstate
and international computer communications.

BBSs and Public Access Usenet systems should be able to continue to
operate.  Licenses won't cost more than a few thousand dollars per year,
plus a few dollars per kilobyte transmitted.  To ensure diversity,
every major city will be allocated two licenses, to upstanding moral
and patriotic citizens, with preference toward registered members of
approved minority groups.

Equal-time and fairness laws are currently being drafted.  For instance,
all political forums will be required to give equal time to proponents
of incarcerating drug users, and to those who favor mandatory treatment.
Similarly, discussions on gun control must be divided evenly between
those who advocate immediate confiscation, and those who believe the
violence in inner cities justifies more decisive measures.

In return for this license from the public, licensees will be required
to devote at least half their bandwidth to educational public service
announcements for the benefit of all citizens.  For instance anti-drug
ads, pro-social-security ads, pro-rural-electric-cooperatives ads, etc.

Contrary to scurrilous rumors spread by some unpatriotic persons,
license suspension, confiscation of equipment, fines, and imprisonment
are expressly forbidden in the FCCC act of 1993.  (Except, of course,
in the case of suspected obscenity, pornography, slander of public
servants, antisemitism, racism, anti-environmentalism, hacking,
possession of unauthorized information, hate crimes, or betrayal
of the public trust.)

The act applies not merely to electronic communications between
computers, but also to hand-carried floppies, tapes, hardcopies, etc.
And to any and all information which could conceivably ever be put
onto floppies, tapes, hardcopies, or other computer media.

We are pleased to announce that the only requirement for users is to
keep a logbook for perusal of authorities.  The only thing users will
ever be required to log is the time, date, purpose, and contents of
all communications, and the identity and social security number of all
person(s) communicated with.

This program will not increase income taxes, and will not increase the
public debt.  It will be financed entirely through a small tax on all
modems, floppies, hard disks, tapes, phone lines, memory chips, tapes,
terminal servers, port selectors, terminal concentrators, monitors,
keyboards, contollers, electric power, printers, paper, ink, plotters,
scanners, software (including public domain software), manuals, CPU
cards, motherboards, cases, connectors, cables, registers, chips,
batteries, resistors, transistors, LEDs, coils, capacitors, solder,
screws, wire, copper, aluminum, plastic, steel, glass, and bubble-wrap.

We are proud to announce the FCCC will be headed by former Los Angeles
police chief Daryl Gates.  It is anticipated that he will swiftly bring
law and order to the chaotic field of computer communications.
Keith Lynch, kfl@access.digex.com

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