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1994 Fools: Federal Computer Communications Commission
From kfl@access.digex.net Fri Apr 1 12:23:37 EST 1994 Article: 29309 of comp.org.eff.talk Path: bigblue.oit.unc.edu!concert!news.duke.edu!MathWorks.Com!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!howland.reston.ans.net!news.intercon.com!news1.digex.net!access.digex.net!not-for-mail From: kfl@access.digex.net (Keith F. Lynch) Newsgroups: alt.news-media,comp.org.eff.talk Subject: April 1 official press release Date: 1 Apr 1994 00:31:20 -0500 Organization: Express Access Public Access UNIX, Greenbelt, Maryland USA Lines: 66 Distribution: inet Message-ID: <2ngbj8$e1r@access2.digex.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: access2.digex.net Xref: bigblue.oit.unc.edu alt.news-media:6042 comp.org.eff.talk:29309 Official Press Release (official): April 1, Washington DC: The administration today inaugurates a new cabinet level department. The Federal Computer Communications Commission. Inspired by the widespread outrage over the travesty of justice in the Steve Jackson Games case, where a known computer criminal got off on a technicality (i.e. we hadn't yet gotten around to formalizing and writing down the laws he flagrantly broke with impunity), the FCCC will have licensing authority over all interstate and international computer communications. BBSs and Public Access Usenet systems should be able to continue to operate. Licenses won't cost more than a few thousand dollars per year, plus a few dollars per kilobyte transmitted. To ensure diversity, every major city will be allocated two licenses, to upstanding moral and patriotic citizens, with preference toward registered members of approved minority groups. Equal-time and fairness laws are currently being drafted. For instance, all political forums will be required to give equal time to proponents of incarcerating drug users, and to those who favor mandatory treatment. Similarly, discussions on gun control must be divided evenly between those who advocate immediate confiscation, and those who believe the violence in inner cities justifies more decisive measures. In return for this license from the public, licensees will be required to devote at least half their bandwidth to educational public service announcements for the benefit of all citizens. For instance anti-drug ads, pro-social-security ads, pro-rural-electric-cooperatives ads, etc. Contrary to scurrilous rumors spread by some unpatriotic persons, license suspension, confiscation of equipment, fines, and imprisonment are expressly forbidden in the FCCC act of 1993. (Except, of course, in the case of suspected obscenity, pornography, slander of public servants, antisemitism, racism, anti-environmentalism, hacking, possession of unauthorized information, hate crimes, or betrayal of the public trust.) The act applies not merely to electronic communications between computers, but also to hand-carried floppies, tapes, hardcopies, etc. And to any and all information which could conceivably ever be put onto floppies, tapes, hardcopies, or other computer media. We are pleased to announce that the only requirement for users is to keep a logbook for perusal of authorities. The only thing users will ever be required to log is the time, date, purpose, and contents of all communications, and the identity and social security number of all person(s) communicated with. This program will not increase income taxes, and will not increase the public debt. It will be financed entirely through a small tax on all modems, floppies, hard disks, tapes, phone lines, memory chips, tapes, terminal servers, port selectors, terminal concentrators, monitors, keyboards, contollers, electric power, printers, paper, ink, plotters, scanners, software (including public domain software), manuals, CPU cards, motherboards, cases, connectors, cables, registers, chips, batteries, resistors, transistors, LEDs, coils, capacitors, solder, screws, wire, copper, aluminum, plastic, steel, glass, and bubble-wrap. We are proud to announce the FCCC will be headed by former Los Angeles police chief Daryl Gates. It is anticipated that he will swiftly bring law and order to the chaotic field of computer communications. -- Keith Lynch, kfl@access.digex.com f p=2,3:2 s q=1 x "f f=3:2 q:f*f>p!'q s q=p#f" w:q p,?$x\8+1*8
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