1994 Fools: CPSR/PDX 7 #3: Clipper, InfoBahn, SCN, Victoria
Date:          Sat, 2 Apr 1994 03:56:50 -0800
Reply-to:      erikn@goldfish.mitron.tek.com
From:          erikn@goldfish.mitron.tek.com (Erik Nilsson)
To:            Multiple recipients of list <cpsr-announce@cpsr.org>
Subject:       CPSR/PDX 7 #3: Clipper, InfoBahn, SCN, Victoria


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Volume 7, #03                     
                                                                 April 1, 1994

Table of Contents:

Section a: National/World News
[a 1] Clipper Chip to Be Made Mandatory for All Calling Cards, FBI Says
[a 2] Intel Announces New Processor
[a 3] New Programming Language Touted
[a 4] Hazardous Cargo to Be Regulated on InfoBahn

Section b: Metro/Northwest
[b 1] SCN Will be Required to Pay Local Access Charges, PUC Rules
[b 2] U S West Unveils New Service

Section c: Commentary
[c 1] Queen Victoria Got a Bum Rap

  ___|                                                                CPSR/PDX
 |   | Section a:
 |__/| National/World News


FBI Agent Clement Samuals announced today the Clipper Chip Mark II,
which, in FBI-proposed legislation, will be required in all Calling

The new Clipper Chip has drastically lower power requirements,
enabling it to be embedded into "Smart" cards.

Microtrunx spokesperson Joyce James explained that a complete 
of the Clipper Chip allows the Clipper Chip Mark II (CCM2) to perform
at twice the speed of the original Clipper, in half the space with
half the power.  With "floating-point performance that is superior to
Pentium," according to Ms. James.

Why require CCM2 in calling cards?  "Frankly, we see lost or stolen
Calling Cards as one of the fastest-growing crime segments in
America," said Mr. Samuals.  "With the Clipper LEAF, we can
electronically read the owner right off of the card, so we don't even
need a search warrant to determine who a Calling Card belongs to.
Lost Calling Cards can be mailed back to their owners before they even
know they are missing," Mr. Samuals stated.  "Also, it makes it a lot
easier to track down illegal aliens, drug dealers, and child
pornographers," Mr. Samuals added.

CCM2 will have a different key escrow scheme than regular Clipper.
Responding to criticism that the existing escrow agents are little
more than NSA patsies, the escrow agents for CCM2 will be the
Franciscan Friars.  Under a program known as Automatic Locator Value
Immediate Name Service (ALVINS), the "Chip Monks" will provide law
enforcement personnel with binary keys from two separate monesteries.



Intel today announced what the company referred to as "the last 
of the 486 family," the 486 RU.  Increasing the trend toward more
highly-integrated processors, the 486 RU has an unprecedented ability
to regulate its own functions, and includes a novel "undo" feature,
clearly aiming the processor at embedded applications.

"Putting some redundancy at the hardware level allows for poor
decision-making in higher-level functions, which can't always be
relied on," said Intel spokesperson Tomson Hunter.  "At Intel, we want
to preserve designer's options.  Maybe now just isn't the right time
for you to start a Pentium-based product family.  We understand."



Dr. Ibanez Gibson of the California Institute of Technology (CIT) today
announced a revolutionary new programming language called Suede.
Suede is the first commercial programming language to incorporate
ambiguity at a fundamental level.  

"Call it fuzzy logic, or what-have-you, Suede can express vague,
poorly thought out, and downright ambiguous designs with 
precision and power," said Dr. Gibson.

Suede accomplishes this feat by using an inference engine that
incorporates a "genderless connection model."  This model allows what
is called "homogeneous inheritance," allowing any object to establish a
relationship with any other object.

Controversy has sprung up around Suede almost immediately.  "Suede 
a fraud, and not a very clever one," claimed noted neural net expert
Dr. Paul Lees.  "Once a design is committed to code, the die is cast.
No amount of learning can fundamentally change the structure.  Sure a
net will refine its behavior, but you can't turn vague feelings into a
working thermostat," Dr. Lees fumed.

Other concerns about Suede have focused on more mundane issues, 
as limited platform support and a lack of good debugging tools.  "A
variety of platform ports are currently underway, and a powerful,
graphical debugger will be standard with the upcoming professional
edition that we are calling Ultrasuede," Dr. Gibson said.



Vice President Gore's office recently announced that "Commercial
Hauler" licenses will be required to transport certain types of
hazardous data on the Information Superhighway.  Under the plan, the
Transportation Department will license transporters of encryption
tools, CAD systems capable of supporting more than 16 simultaneous
users, and other, unspecified, items.

"These items pose a special hazard to InfoBahn users," said Gore
spokesperson Mitch James-Knerr.  "We want to make sure a family out
for a Sunday Internet spin isn't forced off the road by a
high-bandwith application that requires special training to safely

Some items may not be permitted at all.  "We're looking now at an
outright ban on the transportation of Virus code," Mr. James-Knerr

Enforcement will be via a special endorsement to licensed hauler's IP
packets, called the owner-extensions field (OX field).  InfoBahn users
who are caught transporting forbidden items without an OX field may be
subject to fines, according to written material supplied by Mr.

"When will the outrage end!" asked privacy expert Allan Pohdgar.  The
OX is built-in government surveillance, and is completely
unacceptable.  I'm very disappointed with the Clinton administration's
caving-in to spook interests.  With great reluctance, I must attribute
the OX to Gore."

 |                                                                    CPSR/PDX
 |   | Section b:
 |___| Metro/Northwest


The Washington Public Utility Commission (WPUC) has determined that 
an "Interexchange Digital Common Carrier," Seattle Community Network
(SCN) will have to pay local access charges to U S West for each
caller, much like the charges long-distance companies pay.

In addition, under the "Commercial Bypass" provision of the WPUC's
tariffs, SCN will have to pay a lesser charge to U S West for each
on-line user at the Seattle Public Library.

U S West spokesperson Mark Edsaud described the ruling as "Fair,
principled, visionary, and brilliant."  Mr. Edsaud explained that the
charges of $0.25/minute will compensate U S West for lost
long-distance access fees resulting from SCN's users communicating
with people outside of Washington.  "This will help make sure we can
afford to provide lifeline fiber service moving forward," Mr. Edsaud



U S West today announced a new service called Community Network.
Community Network will "allow people to form on-line communities in
the privacy of their own homes," according to U S West spokesperson
Paul Johnson-Sauk.  Based on CLASS services, Community Network 
people to log in to an "on-line virtual information-highway cyberspace
mall" via a low cost terminal.  Purchases will appear automatically on
users' monthly phone bill.

The system is designed to be easy to use.  "For example," said Mr.
Johnson-Sauk, "no passwords are required, since your login is your
billing name, cross-referenced via CNI, the same information used for
Caller-ID."  There is also a toll-free voice-response help system
users can call if they have problems.  "This is our way of giving back
to the community," stated Mr. Johnson-Sauk.  "We understand two
strip-malls that were to have blighted Lynnwood have been canceled 

  ___                                                                 CPSR/PDX
 |     Section c:
 |___  Commentary


Queen Victoria's reputation as a humorless prude has been weighing on
my mind.  That wasn't the way it was at all. Now, I'm going to tell
you about the real Victoria.

Full of lust for life, she married Prince Albert, a vigorous man whose
organ of generation was so enormous, he had it pierced to prevent its
interference with horsemanship, in a manner that bears his name to
this day.  Victoria's days were spent with the dashing Albert,
attending the affairs of state or riding magnificent mounts in the
pursuit of foxes.  In the evenings, they attended the theater and
stupendous parties.  Victoria's nights were consumed by another kind
of mounting, wherein she and Albert practiced the amorous arts.  His
ring-crowned member undoubtedly gave her great pleasure, as the
procedure has remained popular only for this reason.  They slept in
late, wore great clothes, and reigned over the most powerful nation on
earth.  They lived the lives of rockstar industrialist demigods.
Without question, Victoria and Albert _ruled_.

How cruel was fate to have taken her prince, when so much of her life
was still before her!  Victoria built Albert a memorial concert hall,
so he would be remembered forever by smartly dressed concertgoers.  
front of the hall, she built a great fountain.  Well-endowed,
bare-breasted maidens representing the corners of the British Empire
bore gifts to the massive central column, forever looking up in
adoration at it.

After Albert died, Victoria took the captain of the guard as lover, He
was anything but Albert's equal, although he was a decent horseman.
She dressed like a gothic, surrounded herself with musicians and 
artists, and spent her days with her girlfriends in gloomy games and
sexual experiments.  When presented with a law outlawing
homosexuality, she without hesitation rewrote it to exempt women.
Victoria drank heavily, and developed a nasty laudanum jones.  Her
caustic wit and commanding presence never left her though, and made
her the terror of court: a mere glance could cause grown men to lose
bowel control.  

She had mostly contempt for the inadequate creatures around her.  
tried to find her new husbands, but Victoria owed her heart to a dead
man, and her body's hungers were sated by arrangements she chose for
herself.  If life mocked her, she would mock life back, a
black-swathed, free-living pleasure junkie presiding sarcastically
over the most morally narcissic nation on earth at that time.
Victoria screwed them all, in the end.  She lived as she pleased, if
not as she wanted.

And that's pretty much how it happened, at least as well as I can

Editor:      Erik Nilsson                             Contributing Editors:
Copy Editor: Andrea Rodakowski                          Winston Smith
                                                        Mabel Humbert
_______________________________________________         Helen 
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