April Fools on the Net
    Home       The Net       Comics       Links       Stories       Buy Stuff    

1997 Fools: PAUL PRESSLER NAMED CEO OF TARGET STORES


Subject:      PAUL PRESSLER NAMED CEO OF TARGET STORES
From:         "Al Lutz" <alweho@aol.com>
Date:         1997/04/01
Message-Id:   <01bc3e71$b57065c0$2fc893cf@allutz>
Organization: AT&T WorldNet Services
Reply-To:     "Al Lutz" <alweho.NOSPAM@aol.com>
Newsgroups:   alt.disney.disneyland,rec.arts.disney.misc,rec.arts.disney.parks


Gosh gang, 

I was flipping through my e-mail box and found this very exciting press
release, postmarked April 1st. I just couldn't believe it!  ;)

[begin press release]

PAUL PRESSLER NAMED CEO OF TARGET STORES
Former Disneyland president promises exciting future for leading discount
retailer.

[PR Newswires] - April 1, 1997
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

MINNEAPOLIS NE - Yllis Loof, chairman of the board for Target Stores Inc.
has just announced the appointment today [April 1st] of Paul Pressler to
the position of chief executive officer for the company. Pressler was
formerly president of the Disneyland Resort Complex in Anaheim California.
Before that he established and then ran the very successful Disney Stores
division. 

"I can't tell you how thrilled I am to have someone of this caliber join
our organization." Loof was quoted as saying, "For several years now Paul
has been diligently working to bring new merchandising concepts and
marketing ideas to the Disney organization. His particular experience in
studying the Wal-Mart organizational and merchandising model, and his
implementing of those same concepts at the Disneyland Resort have duly
impressed all of us here at Target. His ideas are welcome here in our bid
to vault ahead as a leader in the discount retailing industry."

THEMED MERCHANDISNG AT TARGET

"I'm pleased that I can introduce the Target Stores to a new era in what I
like to call, "Themed Merchandising" Pressler said, "Already I'm
introducing many new and exciting items to the product mix at the stores to
generate immediate sales results. For example, battery-lighted Glow Swords
and Glow Roses have proven to be popular items at Disneyland Park. So we
have, almost overnight, installed giant new bins and carts in the check-out
areas of each Target location to sell these items now. The force is with us
I'd say!  It's great to say that I am hoping that so long as I and my
imagination are around in the world that Target will never be completed -
as far as merchandising is concerned..."

NEW TARGET ANNUAL PASSHOLDERS PROGRAM

Pressler also commented "I am also working on creating a special new
shopping experience - the Target Annual Passholder Program. Basically we
will offer two new passes to our valued shoppers, which will grant special
shopping privileges." [Complete information explaining the new Target
Stores admission fee program was not available in time for this press
release.]

"For example." Pressler continued, "a Regular Target Annual Pass will
entitle the shopper to enter our store with no additional charge on every
day except for 10 blackout days. For a small additional fee these regular
Passholders can upgrade to a Premium Pass, which eliminates blackout days
and actually allows them to attend our special sales, like the ones we
normally hold after Christmas." [Currently the only blackout days announced
for this year are Dec 26 thru Jan. 2nd.] 

Of course parking is included with the new passes - but handicapped spaces
will now be charged an additional fee. "I am very pleased I can charge for
handicapped parking now," Mr. Pressler commented, "because I feel that
people in wheelchairs are pretty much faking it for the most part. I mean,
really, who in California is really handicapped? I always see Mercedes and
Jags parked in those spaces. We shouldn't even bother with a handicapped
sign, we should just put a gold Kugurand as the symbol. Those kind of
people robbed Disneyland blind, but they won't get away with it here at
Target."

"Anyway, costs for the Pass program will be minimal," Pressler said, "since
there will only be one person per store in charge of running it. I was
especially delighted to find out during our research into this that we can
also utilize this same person to bag everyone's purchases at the same time
at all the checkout lines." 

Yllis Loof was also excited about the new Passholders concept and
especially Mr. Pressler's labor saving concepts. "Paul's ability to run the
Target Stores like he did the Disneyland Resort, with an absolute minimum
of staff, brings no end of joy to the board of directors. Imagine how much
larger our stockholder dividend will be, not to mention the increases in
bonuses for us on the board." 

Loof continued, "Yes, maybe the customers may have to wait a wee bit longer
to check out - but as Paul has so ably proven at Disneyland - long lines
aren't really the problem, you just ignore them! I myself was stunned for
example that he got customers to pay hundreds of dollars for those
Disneyland Annual Passports and they STILL had to wait in line weekends for
hours on end to process them. Not to mention once he got the cash out of
them he never needed to follow up with any of the mailings and such that
were promised. It's a bright boy we got here."

FOOD COURTS TO BE BUILT AT TARGET

Mr. Pressler is also excited about the new food services he will offer at
Target. "At Disneyland I never really got to implement the large scale food
courts I am so fond of," he said, "considering the typical Target shopper,
I finally have found the perfect place to expand on those concepts." New
menu items planned include food items larger than customer's heads and the
introduction of premium priced popcorn. "Why shouldn't a Target Shopper
also pay five dollars for a bucket of the stuff?" he's commented.

With these planned changes, "Some people will feel I am limiting the
selection available," Pressler commented, "and yes, I am cutting back on
certain items. (I mean seriously, who needs THREE sizes of Icees - everyone
always buys the jumbo size don't they?) But once they see what we've been
able to accomplish they won't even notice the trebling of prices on
everything. Honest."

PLUSH - AN IMPORTANT ELEMENT IN THE TARGET MERCHANDISING EXPERIENCE

Another new addition to "Team Target," merchandising buyer Ann Dale, (who
was also previously working with Mr. Pressler at the Disneyland Resort) is
also an integral part of the exciting and re-thinking of the Target
Merchandising Experience. "We've discovered that Target is vastly
under-merchandised when it comes to plush items. I can't tell you how
excited I am talking to suppliers and challenging them to provide us with
more plush to sell at Target. I won't be satisfied until every store is
brimming with the stuff." 

Among exciting new lines Ms. Dale is pioneering will be even cheaper
T-Shrits and plush microwave ovens. "We are working with contacts I still
have at the Walt Disney licensing divisions to make these appliances Pooh
themed" Ms Dale commented. "Imagine squeezing up to Winnie while he zaps
your instant coffee in the morning, isn't that great!"  She will also
supervise an expansion of the fuzzy bath accessories section of the stores.
"Anything squeezable that can be marked way up to provide us with higher
margins, I just adore!" she squealed.

"Yes, it IS a brand new shopping era at Target" Yllis Loof commented, "the
fresh new ideas Paul brings to our organization, along with some of the key
people he brings along to us, will only lead to even higher plateaus for
the Target organization."

"This IS the company where I will make a mark for myself," responded
Pressler, "I've learned something very important while running the
Disneyland Resort that I will bring to this new job - that you CAN offer
less and charge more, WAY more, than anyone else. Why, it's our duty as
shopkeepers to do so. And that's what I'm proud of being, one of the best
shopkeepers on the planet."

Contact PR NEWSWIRES for further information regarding this press release.
[612-555-1212]

[end press release]

Enjoy your day gang! I'm heading over to Target right now!  ;)

Al
-- 
Al Lutz -- (alweho@aol.com) -- FDC & TDC "Deluxe" Chrome Buzz Lightyear
Author of D-I-G - (Disneyland Info Guide) http://members.aol.com/alweho
PROMOTE PRESSLER! - http://members.aol.com/alweho/pressler/pressler.htm
"Strange how potent cheap music can be" (Noel Coward's "Private Lives")

Go Back