April Fools on the Net
    Home       The Net       Comics       Links       Stories       Buy Stuff    

1997 Fools: US Air Force to Merge With Lockheed-Martin


US Air Force to Merge With Lockheed-Martin

(AFNS) Washington DC

In a stunning announcement, the US Air Force announced that it will merge with
the aerospace giant Lockheed-Martin.  Air Force Chief of Staff Gen Ronald
Fogleman made the announcement at a Pentagon ceremony today.

"I'm very pleased with the new merger and am excited about working with the
contractor world even more closely." Fogleman said of the $800 trillion deal.
The merger would be the second largest in the country, bested only by the
marriage of Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson.

Plans for the new company, to be called Air Force-Lockheed, are somewhat
sketchy, but sources say that the former contractors will move into military
housing at closed military bases around the country.  Air Force-Lockheed
believes that forcing employees into government housing will save billions of
dollars each year.

The merger wasn't a happy occasion for all, though.  Many of the former
contractors were incensed to learn that they would be forced to give up their
frequent flier miles to the company and many of the former Air Force personnel
were upset that they would now have to decide what to wear every morning.

"It's just not fair," said Capt Jim Lindsay of Los Angeles Air Force Station.
"I just invested thousands of dollars in the new Air Force uniform and Corfam
shoes and they just pulled the rug out from underneath me.  Where will I find
the money to pay for new clothes and how will I know if they match?  They
ought to make the old contractors wear uniforms instead."

Shareholders of the old Lockheed-Martin Company were also unhappy since the
value of their stock plummeted with the announcement.  Analysts say the drop
occurred because of the debt the Lockheed-Martin group took on due to the
merger with the Air Force.

The merger has left the other Services scrambling to help themselves by
looking into mergers of their own.  The Navy is interested in a deal with
Carnival Cruise Lines, but TV personality Kathy Lee Gifford has said she and
fitness Richard Simmons oppose a government takeover.

An informed source says that the Army is keeping its options open, but that it
expects to close a deal with the US Marine Corps soon.  The Army had looked
into a merger with the Boy Scouts of America, but withdrew from negotiations
when Army auditors discovered the Boy Scouts is a non-profit organization.
The Marines, upset at not being included in the Navy negotiation with
Carnival, says it wants to be affiliated with another organization.

Many say the Air Force-Lockheed merger will take a while to "fit" the people
though. "We know how to spend money, but we don't know a damn thing about
making it," said a lieutenant colonel at HQ USAF who declined to be
identified.  Many analysts agree with that opinion and have said the company
may initially have trouble....

Go Back