April Fools on the Net
    Home       The Net       Comics       Links       Stories       Buy Stuff    

1995 Fools: Network Access Reform


Path: bigblue.oit.unc.edu!concert!gatech!ncar!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!agate!news.ossi.com!ihnp4.ucsd.edu!swrinde!howland.reston.ans.net!news1.digex.net!news3.digex.net!digex.net!not-for-mail
From: president@whitehouse.gov (Al Gore)
Newsgroups: comp.org.eff.talk,news.future,alt.religion.kibology,alt.discordia
Subject: Network Access Reform
Date: 1 Apr 1995 17:46:47 -0500
Organization: Express Access Public Access UNIX, Greenbelt, Maryland USA
Lines: 78
Sender: kfl@access3.digex.net
Distribution: inet
Message-ID: <3lkl4n$dju@access3.digex.net>
NNTP-Posting-Host: access3.digex.net
Xref: bigblue.oit.unc.edu comp.org.eff.talk:48829 news.future:6049 alt.religion.kibology:68394 alt.discordia:20507

Greetings.  I'll leave it to others to carry on the important work
former president Clinton started in health care reform after discovering
that 37 million Americans have no health insurance.

Now that Clinton has magnanimously stepped down, rather than embroil the
US in lengthy Whitewater hearings, and I'm president, I plan to make it
my top priority to deal with a really serious problem.  As horrifying
and unthinkable as it is in this day and age, 212 million Americans
don't have network access.

The current network situation is an intolerable and inefficient
hodgepodge of private, university, and government access providers.
People in different parts of the country pay different amounts for
network access.  Different providers give different levels of service.
There's no excuse for this.  Access to the net -- *equal* access to the
net -- is a fundamental human right.

Tipper and I have developed a program which will guarantee equal access
to the information superhighway to all Americans, tall or poor, rich or
thin, white or non-smokers.

All access to the net will be through one's employer.  Employers will
deal only with large centralized network access providers.  There will
be only one provider in each area of the country, cutting down on
wasteful duplication.  All providers will be heavily regulated, and
will be required to offer the exact same services for the exact same
prices.  All employers will be required to participate, and to pay the
full costs.

Unemployed people's access will be paid for by the government.  This
is not expected to require any tax increase.  At least, not a very large
tax increase.  At least, not before the next election.

Since individuals will not be charged for the services, some may be
tempted to abuse the privilege.  Especially because many newsgroups are
known to be highly addictive.  To prevent this, newsgroup access will be
available only by prescription.

For instance, if someone wants access to alt.sex, they would schedule
an appointment with their Primary Network Consultant.  In a few weeks,
when the appointment comes up, they'd come in at 8 am and get to speak
briefly with their Consultant at some time that day or evening.  The
Consultant would refer them to a sex consulatant or other specialist,
as appropriate.  After a few weeks, they'd have a similar appointment
with the specialist, who would then prescribe alt.sex or some other
newsgroup as appropriate.  They would take the prescription to their
Network Access Provider to get the prescribed newsgroup added to their
.newsrc.  To prevent fraud and corruption, all prescriptions will be
carefully tracked by the government in large databases, closely secured
against everyone who doesn't have the carefully guarded top secret
phone number for modem access (202-456-1414).  Also, all prescriptions
automatically expire after 30 days.  They can be renewed only after
another appointment with one's Primary Network Consultant and the
specialist he refers one to.

FTP, IRC, Gopher, WAIS, World Wide Web, Archie, telnet, rlogin, finger,
and e-mail, may also be made available by prescription, if they are
approved by the Federal Data Administration (FDA).  For reasons of
public safety, network services and newsgroups not approved by the
FDA will be strictly banned.  Anyone caught owning, using, producing,
providing, or advocating unapproved services, mailing lists, or
newsgroups, will be subject to zero tolerance -- everything they
own will be forfeited to the government, without a trial.

Also, anyone who rents an apartment or gives a job to a suspected
network abuser will be subject to zero tolerance.  Of course, this
being a free country, nobody will actually be sent to prison without
a fair trial.  Since nobody who's accused will be able to afford an
attorney, the government will provide them with an attorney of our
choice without charge.  And anyone guilty of three offenses will serve
a mandatory life sentence without parole.

Similarly with anyone who writes, posesses, distributes, manufactures,
sells, uses, posts, backs up, saves, promulgates, perpetrates, forwards,
or laughs at, a spoof that makes official government policies or
proposals look ridiculous.
--
Al Gore                                       president@whitehouse.gov

Go Back